Big Valley Comedy Piece
by Tauna Petit-Strawn
Summary: An online friend 'SCHOOLMARM" and I did this together. I don't know which hurt my sides more..this or the Close Call one I did under Bonanza. We hope you get as big a laugh out of as we did!  TWO MORE PARTS ADDED
1. Chapter 1

**VALLEY DWELLER WRITERS (written by myself and 'schoolmarm'-another big valley writer on another site)**

**Nick Barkley stared at their long time foreman, McCall. Had the man gone mad or was Nick just losing his hearing; not that he'd admit it if he was mind you. "WHAT did you say? WHO is on our land?"**

**McCall was getting exasperated. He'd only repeated the story three times now. "I told you; a bunch of women have set up tables and chairs up in the North Pasture. They have piles and piles of paper and pencils. They're talking crazy. Seriously, they're arguing about who gets to at least court Jarrod, Heath or you. I'd hide Gene though; they keep on saying how sad it is that he died so young." Oops, McCall realized he'd forgotten to include that last one as Nick's eyes widened and he exploded.**

"**I'm gonna go and find out what the hell is goin' on! You get back to the ranch and tell Jarrod what's happening," he climbed on his horse, "And for goodness sake tell Gene to stay in the house until I come back and tell him it's safe!"**

**McCall didn't argue as he mounted his own horse and headed straight for the Barkley home. He hoped Jarrod would actually be home; he was afraid of the scene that might take place if he wasn't.**

**Riding his horse hard Nick soon arrived at the North Pasture. Sure enough there were more women than he could shake a fist at. The noise level was impossible; if he thought he was losing his hearing before he knew he would now. Storming up to the closest table Nick bellowed, "Pray tell me just the blazes are you doing here! This is my ranch and you need to get off, now!" He wanted to say more than blazes but, after all, crazy or not, they were women.**

"**Do you hear something?" a blonde haired lady at the end of the table spoke to the women at the table. **

"**No," another woman said, "But then again, muse left me days ago," she looked at the woman next to her, "Do you hear anything?"**

**Before she could answer a young lady walked up to the group and, looking straight at Nick, replied, "Ah, Don't worry. It's just Nick bellowing again. Told you he wouldn't appreciate us all camping out here writing."**

"**I don't! This is my ranch!" Nick exploded, "And why are they acting as if they can't hear or see me?"**

**Before she could answer the blonde hair woman looked up and smiled, "Looks like Jarrod's coming. Sis, did Nick send for him or did you? I know you have a hang up for both those guys."**

"**Nobody sent for ..." Nick started his rantings again only to have the young lady turn on him and bark, "You have got to learn to behave yourself, Nick! Trish here will never listen if you don't!"**

**By the time Jarrod dismounted his horse the noise level had at least gone down, but their 'crazy talk' hadn't. "What is going on here?" Jarrod smiled politely and spoke to the woman called 'Sis'.**

"**I told you last night my friends and I were going to be here, Jarrod but, apparently Nick didn't get the message."**

**Jarrod's eyebrows went up, "You can see and hear Nick? Since when?"**

**That got a raised eyebrow from his brother. Had Jarrod gone and lost it too?**

"**No, but Anna there was just talking to him. Personally, I think she has the hots for him."**

**Has the what? Nick was confused; which only made him more upset. "Jarrod what is goin' on! Who are these women and what are they doing here?"**

**Jarrod simply smiled and pointed to Coco, "I suggest you just get on your horse and ride brother. Stick around long enough and you'll find yourself with a wife."**

**A wife! A look of horror appeared on Nick's face. He didn't know what Jarrod was talking about, but he wasn't going to stick around and find out either. Soon he was pushing his horse hard to get back home.**

"**He's still getting a wife you know that, don't you?" the young lady asked as Jarrod mounted his horse.**

"**Oh, I'm sure one of you women will do just that. Is there anything else I can do for you?" he smiled at the group. **

"**Yea," another young lady lifted up her head, "Tell Elizabeth hi."**

"**It's not Elizabeth..." another woman started to speak only to find Jarrod laughing and mounting his horse, "I'll tell you what. I'll tell whoever I find in my den hello." Might as well; he hadn't had a dull moment in years thanks to these women. And, ****long as Nick didn't discover it was he who kept letting the women onto their land, ee figured he's have years more entertainment coming.**

**As he rode, hell bent for leather back to the ranch, Nick heard Heath calling him. As Nick stopped Heath rode up and demanded to know what was going on. "I hear there are a bunch of crazy women in the North Pasture sitting at a table and writing. Who are they? Where did they come from? One of the men says they call themselves Valley Dwellers." Nick cringed and answered, "This is our Valley; I don't remember any ranches around here with that many women. Jarrod seems to know them, but he's not helping. It's worse than you think, Heath. Jarrod says if we stick around they will marry us. They think Gene is dead, so he has to hide in the house until they leave. Any ideas what we should do about this?"**

**Heath thought carefully, shook his head, and responded, "There's only one thing we can do, Nick. We have to go back to the house, get Gene and hide him in the back of the wagon. We have to drive to Stockton immediately and catch the first train to San Francisco. We'll get Audra to let us know when it's safe to return. In the meantime, since Jarrod seems to know them, he can run the ranch and figure out how to get them to leave. I guarantee he will when he gets tired of hurting those lily white hands mending fences all the time."**

**With that the two brothers raced back to the house and in no time they had Gene in the back of the wagon and were off to live it up in San Francisco and try to forget all the crazy women writers in the North Pasture.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I and "Schoolmarm" (from another site) did the comedy piece previously posted then followed it up with these next two sections. Hope you enjoy!**

Nick sat at the bar relaxing when he saw 'her', the gal who had been in the North Pasture telling those other women, 'It's just Nick bellowing...'. WHAT was she doing in San Francisco? The question made him sit up straight, but the question that rode on its tail made him bolt from his stool and head straight for the room where Heath and Gene were sleeping, HAD THE REST OF THOSE WOMEN FOUND THEM!

When he turned the corner to the room he was dumbfounded, 'she' was waiting by the door for him! HOW had she gotten there before him? "Nick, it won't do you any good to run, so why don't you just stand still and listen to me?"

"The last time I listened..." Nick started to speak only to stop mid sentence. What did he mean, last time? He'd never met her or any of those women before! Had he? Seeing how he'd quit speaking 'she' started speaking again.

"I told you before it doesn't do any good to run from us. Those of us who like you the best know where to find you; same thing goes with Heath and Gene. Jarrod has accepted this fact and has found the pleasures and adventures we give him far outweigh any sorrow or problems. The sooner you accept the same thing, the better off we'll all be."

Nick exploded, "I don't know what you mean!" Well, a part of him did, but that part was being pushed aside for the moment. "Try telling it to Heath. If he'll listen then, maybe, and I said, maybe," he shook his finger at her, "I'll listen!"

"Can't. If you'd stop being so bull headed for a moment you'd remember I follow you; it would take a 'Heathen' to get through to your brother."

A heathen? What! Once again Nick exploded, "Heath is a good man, just because father..." He was stopped when 'she' had the nerve to put her hand over his mouth.

"NICK! I was NOT saying anything bad! Heathens are just another way of saying that the writers who love Heath are the ones who can talk to him."

Nick was confused and that only made him more upset, especially since his memory started throwing one story after another at him. Sure enough, the good was far outweighing the bad. Still, he fought what his mind was starting to tell him.

"Just leave us alone!" Nick remembered what McCall said about Gene, and a fleeting memory of one very upsetting funeral was not helping his mood any.

"Can't do that Nick..." she started to speak when she saw another woman coming down the hallway, "Look, if not me it will just be her or another Nickite who finds you."

Nick hurried to the bedroom door, opened it, ran inside, and slammed the door shut.

"How long you think before we get him out of there?" Dixie looked at Tauna as she started laughing.

"Go get Tas and Martha and the rest of the Heathens. I'll go look for Tuffy. She' s real good at getting through to Gene." she winked at her friend.

"What about the Jarrodians?" Dixie asked.

Tauna rolled her eyeballs at the question, "Excuse me? WHY would any of them be in San Francisco? Remember...Jarrod's alone on the ranch."

Dixie ran off and quickly came back with Tas, Martha, Jan, and Patti, all of whom were lounging around the hotel. They stood by the door and waited for Tauna to return with Tuffy in tow.

The seven writers stood quietly for a moment and listened to the sounds inside the room.

"I tell you, Heath, that woman is crazy. She kept trying to tell me that it was no good letting her talk to you, you wouldn't hear her or something, and then something about a bunch of Heathens who could talk to you. What have you been up to that I don't know about? Heathens, huh!" Nick shouted as he paced back and forth.

"Now, Nick, I have no idea what you're talking about. I don't know any Heathens. I go to church with Mother and Audra all the time. Are you sure you didn't have a bit too much to drink downstairs? What do you think, Gene, has Brother Nick been drinking?" Heath said, trying to calm Nick down.

"Ha, ha, ha," Nick replied sourly, "I'll have you know I only had one beer before that crazy woman attacked me. She said Jarrod knew that the pleasures far outweighed any pain or problems. Can you make any sense of this, Gene?"

Gene was as puzzled as his brothers and simply said, "I'll just have to think on it."

That caused Nick to bellow, "You do that, boy," and to continue his pacing.

After a few moments Heath spoke up again, "Nick, there's only one thing we can do. We have to open that door and see if there are really any women out there. After all, it's pretty quiet."

Nick turned and stared at Heath and barked, "Do you doubt me? Are you questioning what I saw? Well, let's just do that and then you'll see."

With that Nick, followed closely by his brothers, wrenched open the door and quickly shut it again as the women surged forward to enter the room.

"There. Did you see the two of them out there? Did you?" he gasped, pinning the door shut with his back.

"I only saw one," Gene put in, "but she was trying hard to get in the room."

Heath stood there smirking at his two brothers and then said cockily, "Nick, you saw two women, Gene saw one. But I tell you there were four of them trying to get at me. Guess I win."

**FINAL PART**

Gene looked at Heath and Nick; then he looked at the door. There _was_ something familiar about the woman he'd seen. Finally he stood up and headed for the door. "What the Sam Hill do you think you're doing!" Nick exploded only to find his younger brother interrupting.

"Nick, that woman out there isn't bad. I feel it. I know her from someplace. And, come to think about it, I vaguely saw another woman out there. Despite what you think she's not crazy, can't be if she puts up with you." He opened the door and stepped outside.

"Well, well," Tuffy stood up, "'bout time you came out of there."

"I realized that, but you think we can continue this conversation back at the ranch? I've got a funny feeling Jarrod may actually have his hands a bit too full." That brought laughter from all seven women; they were absolutely sure the youngest Barkley son was right.

Taking the arm he offered her, Tuffy and Gene talked while they walked away. Meanwhile Nick was throwing a temper tantrum. "Do you believe him? Deserting us and going over to those nuts! He's gone and lost it!" He stopped as he saw a far away look come into Heath's eyes. "Oh no," he shook his finger at his brother, "Don't you go getting any ideas!"

Heath gave him a lopsided grin, "I can't help it; four women together? That's awfully hard not to think about. Besides, I can't help but remember a few stories..."

Stories! Nick exploded, "Snap out of it Heath, this ain't no story. There are real live nuts are there!" He never finished his train of thought as Heath stepped out of the room and quickly found himself surrounded by Martha, Patti, Tas and Jan.

"Thank goodness you finally decided to come out of there," the women chimed in together as they led Heath down the hallway. "We've got to get back to the ranch." Patti told him.

"Back to the ranch? Do we have to go there?" Martha started to object only to find Heath laughing, "We can go back to the ranch and then you can direct me from there, ok?" He chuckled as Martha agreed, but shot a dirty look towards Patti, of course it didn't faze her friend any.

"So," Dixie looked at Tauna, "How do you suggest we get Nick out of there?"

Tauna laughed, "Easy," she pointed down the hallway, "We send her in."

Dixie turned her head and started laughing, "I should have known you'd send for her. I guess I should have brought Dixie along too."

"Naw," Tauna rolled her eyes, "Last thing we need is a catfight right in the hotel." They both laughed as Anna easily slipped through the locked door. Before they could count to ten the door opened and one very disgruntled Nick stepped out of the room.

"You ready to come with us back to the ranch?" Tauna and Dixie looked at their favorite Barkley. He only scowled and headed for the door.

"Aren't you going to wait for Anna, she's your character?" Dixie asked as Tauna hurried to catch up with Nick.

"Why? She's already back at the ranch. Why do you think Nick came out of the room so fast?" Tauna was laughing as she answered.

"I wonder what kind of fix we'll find Jarrod in when we get back?" Dixie wondered aloud.

"I don't know, but I have a funny feeling he's going to be a lot more careful how many of us he lets on the ranch. That is, how many he lets on at the same time." Tauna's laughter grew louder; which only served to get Nick glaring at her harder.

Jarrod was not having a good time at the ranch at all. He realized quickly that he was not up to doing all the hard physical work his brothers did on a daily basis and the presence of so many Jarrodians was a distraction. He was able to handle it when they came one at a time and involved him in their stories, but the presence of so many was exhausting. McCall tried to take as much of the load as he could, but the women seemed to enjoy watching Jarrod work, especially without his shirt on.

Things had gotten to a desperate stage with Jarrod when Gene and Heath returned. True, there were now more women on the ranch, and Jarrod was very grateful that his mother and sister where in Denver visiting his aunt, because he could not imagine how he would explain this to them.

As Jarrod, Heath, and Gene enjoyed a quiet cigar and a brandy together, Jarrod asked, "Where's Nick." "I'm not sure," Heath answered, "The last we saw him he was still barricaded in the hotel room in San Francisco, swearing he wouldn't come out. How did we get in this mess, Jarrod?"

Jarrod explained that he'd long enjoyed knowing about the stories that were written about him and he'd thought that to invite the women to the ranch this week would be fun for his brothers, too. But it had all backfired. All three men looked up as they heard Nick's voice bellowing in the hall at that moment. "Jarrod, Heath, Gene, where are you?" There's a crazy lady out here named Dixie who says I'm married to her."

Nick came in and continued talking to a woman whom Jarrod and Heath could see as a shadowing figure. Nick kept protesting that he was not married, that Audra didn't have a friend named Dixie, and that he had no idea what she was talking about at the same time that he had some distinct feelings of pleasure at the mention of the name Dixie.

With all four brothers there things continued to be 'interesting' for them. None of them got a good night's sleep because their dreams were too vivid. Heath kept dreaming of being shot, branded, or knifed and tried to avoid the woman named Patti when he saw her. He was afraid of what she'd do next. Of course, she had sent him some rather beautiful women, too, but still. Nick was getting more and more irritable. Half the time he walked around with a big grin on his face, but the lack of sleep did not improve his attitude.

Finally, in desperation, Jarrod consulted the one woman he knew would help him. He sat down quietly with Lilly and asked her what he could do. "Lily dear, I need your help. I thought it would be fun to invite all the writers to the ranch for a time and let my brothers get to know them, but it's gone horribly wrong. They're spooking the cattle in the North Pasture, no one is getting any sleep, and I have a horrible feeling that mother will be upset when she returns."

Lily smiled at her handsome counselor and responded, "Jarrod darling, the solution is so simple. We just have to set up a schedule for these women. They must get used to sharing you again. This week of free access was too heady for them and a few went overboard. I am seriously concerned about Tauna right now. Leave it to me and we will get things back to normal."

With that said Lily went and had a long conference with the other Valley writers. They all agreed, reluctantly, to return to their Valley and continue their writing and only to appear on the ranch if specifically invited. Nick would never admit it, but he did sort of miss the excitement.


End file.
